july 18, 2001
its not like im crying and sad depressed, its like my mental and physical energy is so low that im not functioning or thinking properly. i have a very dismal outlook, i have no enthusiasm for the future. i think this was caused by a combination of events.
one was my kids ending their vacation and going back home. not so much the sadness of our seperation (we have a cool relationship. we didnt even say bye to each other, they basicly just got on the plane and left. and we all agreed that it was time to end the visit and they were ready to get back home and to our regular lives) but the emptiness and void they left behind. for a month most of my focus, attention and energy was on them. suddenly they were gone and i came home to an apartment that isnt cluttered with there stuff or buzzing with their noise. i know that is the hardest part of them leaving and i have told them this many times.
another thing was i came really close to getting a dream job. much, much, much more $$ than i ever made and in a scientific and very technical industry. dealing with space technology and working with highly educated people. lots of room for growth, etc etc. i had a second interview and was 1 of 3 candidates but didnt get it. i was hyped about this one cause it would have started right when the kids left and i would have been saved from financial ruin. i found out i didnt get it on thursday. financial ruin still pending.
then on friday one of my creditors calls and threatens to re-ruin my credit which kinda stressed me out cause i was worried about that effecting me getting a security clearance. my credit may have nothing to do with a clearence, but at the time i felt like it did.
then on saturday morning the kids left. i had a FFL meeting late saturday afternoon so after LAX i came home, ate and napped. i went to the meeting feeling 75% but that was dropping and could not wait to get back home and just be in the house alone and quiet and sleep. i did that all day sunday. no music, hardly no tv. eat, sleep, quiet. no laughing, no dancing, no talking to myself.
so here it is wednesday and im kinda coming out of it. still havent danced, but ive made a few jokes outloud to myself and have laughed "at" a few things. still dont want to be bothered and am kinda "angry" or bitter at nothing real. just irriitable i guess.
last night i was watching a preacher on tv and the sermon was about being "in god's kingdom." he said there is a belief and then a faith that you have when you are "in the kingdom" as opposed to just being a church member. he said there is a confidence you have, things you can see, things that happen to protect and guide you when you are in this kingdom. you enter this kingdom thru faith and belief in god and in jesus christ as lord and savior.
i know how and why faith and belief works cause i have it. in my usual non- depressed state i have the deepest faith in a successful future. i have the deep belief that nothing can harm me just like the preacher spoke of. i removed god and jesus and his words inspired me by reminding me of my own faith in life. it even excited me. i watched the people joyously celebrating their god and faith thru music and dance and i totally understood.(then i imagined a day when all faiths will celebrate together side by side while still maintaining their individual belief systems). the spirit energy inside me moves me the same way.
in fact, as i felt my energy and mood dropping i knew what i had to do. there is a non-physical place i go to think and settle and calm. it is quiet and i am alone with my thoughts. after the FFL meeting i couldnt wait to get to this place. it was a place that i never named or recognized. but driving home it was like i was racing to get there and thats when i realized what i was doing and what i felt i needed. thats when i became aware of that place. i guess its like meditation or prayer. its a deep thinking place where i calm myself by ordering everything in my life into a feasible succesful plan for existence. its harder to do this when my physical and mental energy is skewed, so i think thats what the sleeping and rest the last few days was for.
i also relaized how much energy the body gets just from optimism. motivation is a tangible physical energy source for the body. what and how we think is directly connected to how we feel. thats why faith and belief works. (and for those who dont understand the science of the big bang and evolution and stuff, placing faith in a god who created everything and will handle it all for you makes a lot of sense. i noticed how important it was to the people for god to love them. it was like children craving the love of a parent. they need to know there is a super power who loves and protects them cause they dont understand the sciences behind the system of life and the universe.) we need to have faith in a successful future to have sustained happiness. we need to understand and then believe and then have faith in it. we need to know that tomorrow will be ok. everybody's faith gets shaken once in awhile, but its the ones with solid philosophy who continue to be successful.
july 5, 2001
so now there are feelings i care about that are not mine. im sensitive to another person's reactions. i have a deep sense of responsibility. i am aware of how precious this time i spend with my kids is. i know they will remember and maybe even treasure the things i do and say till the end of their lives. i know that they will grow older and i will never experience them as kids again. so there is an added "pressure" to fully utilize every second. im not use to "worrying" or being concerned about anything to this degree. and its kinda not fun.
now dont get me wrong, the high times we have together are immeasurably good. nothing compares. there may be no game better than the "embarrass your kids in public" game. the "torment your kids" game is good too. (i never saw kimberly move so fast when they thought the dirt plug i picked up was dog doo-doo. they both ran like scared rabbits LOL).
i know that just like my life is adjusting to them, they are adjusting to me. only difference is what i say goes cause i have the means to feed them and take them to cool places. without me its sit in a hot apartment and starve. and as the adult i have to assume control as fairly as humanly posible, not allowing my own wants and needs to dominate. and i am learning. one thing i learned that helps is keeping the tv set's volume down. man that made a big difference. i thought the "daddy can i's" and the arguing was the big thing, but reminding them to keep the tv set down removes a lot of the noise pollution. there are times i go 5-6 hours at home in total silence- no tv, no music. (like now they are at my mom's house. thats why im clear headed and have time to sit and write this). im not use to constant a noise.
interuppted by phone calls and my train of thought is gone. one more point i want to note is that i realized i can just leave when i approach a point of stress and/or need some quiet time. i dont have to be with the kids every waking moment. i can remove myself for a little while rather than try to change or stop them from what they are doing...
can a person reach spiritual enlightenment while raising children?
june 21, 2001
once again i salute every fulltime custodial parent. parenting is by far the hardest job in the world and not because of the work involved, but because of the constant deep sense of resposibility that cannot be "turned off." it may just be me and the shock of hands-on direct parenting one month out of the year, but man this stuff is for real. im not use to worrying about anything. its like im intensely aware of every action or reaction my kids have. nothing effects me like this and i think thats why the deep feeling i talk about above can only be felt when its your own kids who are sleep.
and we wont talk about how messy kids are!!! and their idea of what "clean" is. but i have to admit, the bathroom no longer looks like the texas floods after they shower, they are improving. there are other areas of improved understanding that i can see and this makes me feel very very good. then i walk in the kitchen and the refridgerator door is wide open.
i was in the store yesterday with my son and another parent was with her daughter. we playfully & frustratedly laughed about how complicated choosing the right soda is when dealing with kids. we both were engaged in lengthy discussions on the right flavor (i settled mine the non-democratic way "everybody likes fruit punch, let go" (and being a true dictator fruit punch just happens to be my favorite))
but then i realize that children are developing people. they really don't have a lot of the inherent knowldge adults have. they dont understand the little "how to's" or the hidden complexities. they will make aggressive decisions based on their very limited knowledge. and then just stand there with a "oooops" look after they have broken or lost an object you have had for years. (everything i dont want broken or lost was put up and away before they arrived).
lately i have been thinking about love and if its beneficial for a conscious species to have it so deeply embedded in them. love is the most powerful feeling a human can have and i wonder if this is a good thing. i think about how hard parenting is and what it would take to make a conscious parental animal (an animal not controlled by instinct with the ability to abandon their offspring) continue to attend to their offspring for long lengths of time considering the difficulty and the risks to their own survival. it would take somethng very very powerful...
june 7, 2001
when i examine myself and my methods of thought,
i come to the conclusion that the gift of fantasy
has meant more to me than my
talent for absorbing positive knowledge
i am enough of an artist to draw
freely upon my imagination.
i want to know god's thoughts...
a man's ethical behavior should
i am convinced that some political and social activities
the further the spiritual evolution of mankind
religion of the future
the concept of a soul without a body seems
i do not believe in immortality
of the individual,
if something is in me which can be called religious
all religions, arts and sciences are branches of the same
june 5, 2001 i didn't make it to santa monica pier yesterday, but one thing i realized i did do was bail. sure, most days i am out and about and not directly accessible, but this day i deliberately stepped away from being accessed. i didnt want to be "bothered" with the usual birthday calls and stuff, not that i expected so many, i didnt want to deal with any. it was my intention not to be accessed by anybody. i wanted to spend my birthday all by myself doing and thinking and singing and dancing and expressing whatever i wanted whenever and however i wanted.
i got to venice beach and the weather was gorgeous, much better than the "june gloom" valley. i ride venice beach for about 1/4 mile then i flop down on the grass in an open area off the boardwalk overlooking the bike path and the ocean. and i mean i flopped. i layed there barefoot in the sun looking and enjoying and allowing my mind to wander wherever it wanted to go. i was spending very personal and intimate time with my very best best friend by far on his birthday. he, i and we could not think of a better way to celebrate...
i thought about how special this day had began. i went to see trulio disgracias at my fave little club and i expected them play funky, but i didnt expect them to play funkadelic. so when they played red hot momma which is one of my favorite funkadelic concert songs, i was in heaven. i bolted to the front waving a "its my birthday" "we funk" sign i had made earlier at home.
after dancin and groovin and getting all funky and sweaty i look up and overvision.com is on stage, sanging and droppin' dialogue over a very funky groove. this is the man who drew my favorite p-funk albumcover. i was very surprised to see him and i waved my "we funk" sign. then i heard the opening drums for cosmic slop by funkadelic, which is my all time favorite concert song by far. i roared with the highest of energy...
i think it a most wonderful birthday surprise. i love it when things in the universe just happen to come together like that. in my life, "coincidences" like this are continous but i continue to be impressed and overwhelmed by them. as i rise higher and higher the beauty that seems to naturally occur in my life goes deeper and gets better. its as if my passions seek and find me...
during cosmic slop overton gestured for me to join him on stage at the mic. to sing cosmic slop on my birthday with world class musicians is/was a fantasy-dream of mine. hundreds of times i have sang that song with all my heart imagining there is a band behind me and a crowd in front of me. even the day before the show i imagined myself doing this. this was a life long dream of mine that i very very graciously turned down. i was oscillating with too much energy to be on stage at a mic. i knew i could express more energy and more of myself dancin and vibin from my usual spot on the floor. i was overwhelmed, impressed and very very happy...
so i spent my birthday lieing in the sun at venice beach looking at the girls, experiencing my feelings from the night before and enjoying the deep freedoms of consciouness that come when i am alone. later that evening i was attending a lecture on the "search for life in the universe" and i really, really, really couldnt think of a better way to celebrate my birthday...
june 4, 2001 im thinkin bike, venice beach, santa monica pier...
june 3, 2001 i was instantly reminded of 3am saturday morning when i heard the gentle "ooooooops i need oil" tap of my engine. i hadnt left my apt since i parked my car after seeing marcus miller at the house of blues friday night (a show in which i owe a big what ups to my man talley who made it possible for me to be inside the place) and it was sunday afternoon. i was on my way to get groceries cause i was (am) completely d'viodoffood.
while me and talley stood in line being our usual loud and obnoxious selves- (according to western standards)- we somehow ended up singing old songs. he brought up sly and the family stone and i was like yeah and started singing "hot fun in the summertime." then i thought that i didnt list "hot fun" on my music page. so yesterday i added it.
since im broke and unemployed i had to forgo groceries in favor of $30 top-to-bottom jiffy lube maintanance. that however got downgraded to $4 for 2 quarts of penzoil. so intstead of ralphs im on my way to autozone and i pass an accident that just happened. injured people still in a pickup with a smashed front end sitting in the left turn gone bad position. and from the swarming police activity it looked as if it was a very fresh hit and run.
anyways im buying the oil and guess what song comes on the store radio? sly and the family stone's original version of hot fun in the summertime. i stepped out of line just so i could sing and feel the song, it was good.
produced in conjunction
with the urgency of dr funkenstein
in his widsom he forenotioned
the shortcomings of your condition
so, we the clones, were designed
we're gonna blow the cobwebs out your mind
we're a flawless testimony
children of production, parliament 1976
may 31, 2001
the things that i passion & desire continue to seek and find me, even when im not asking or looking for them...
may 30, 2001
Cast: Sammy Davis Jr., Shirley MacLaine, John McMartin, Ricardo Montalban, Chita Rivera, Paula Kelly, Stubby Kaye, Barbara Bouchet, Suzanne Charney, Alan Hewitt, Dante DiPaolo Rating: G Category: Movie, Musical Director: Bob Fosse Release Year: 1969
the rhythm of life church- currently #7 of the top ten religions
big daddy, sweet charity
may 29, 2001
to have a hand in my offspring being an "improvement over myself" could be the greatest thing i have ever done for my species...
happy birthday jeffery
may 29, 2001
star trippin cause astro boy's eyes are round
i called my mother and she remembers and says that i wanted to be astro boy
astro boy is cool
may 27, 2001
earl lived(s) directly across the street from cole and pup which was 5 up and on the same side of the street as my house. vernon lived(s) two houses up from him, 7 up from mine.
18 years ago 18 years of my life was spent on that street. that street and those boys saw the jeffery whiteboard when it was still almost blank. i learned to become a social human being on that street...
i remember the feeling i had sitting alone atop the bank of america building overlooking sunset blvd and its gorgeous traffic, driving & walking. i had just completely ripped it up during weapon of choice's set at the key club. i was shirtless, completely sweaty and cooling down feeling the feeling of knowing that i had just taken it to a higher level. knowing i had just attained a higher oscillation and that there is much more to come...
i rode by the house in florence where galileo died in 1642. 642 is my lucky number derived from my birthday (stumbled on that info via a link in my theoryofuniverse page (-one of the earliest items i created) to a galileo page, just before i checked my lotto #'s. the text in my pics of galileo's tomb is in itallian so there's is no "642" to notice)
one time i skipped and went to farrell, pa to see my cousins (and walk the halls of the high school). since i was in town i decided to stop in the bar and play my number (642) cause ohio didnt have a legal daily number yet and i didnt get to play often
i said whattup to all my cousins in their classrooms and to more family in the bar. i got caught skippin and 50 cent box paid around $42.50...
may 26, 2001
may 23, 2001
you can see this in humans. some males are born with a chemical (??estrogen high, testtosterone low???) or physical make up that makes them feminine. you can even see this in very young kids who have more characteristics and handle themselves more like their opposite sex. so homosexuality can be inherent and not result from environment. some boys are better at being girls and visa-versa...
why homosexuality works. people fall in love with other people, not the other person's sex. most males are attracted to females cause of the way she moves, her gestures, her physical size and curves, how she carries herself, her thinking and demeanor, etc (this goes visa-versa, female to male also) this is inherent in a naturally evolving species. there are certain traits that attract the opposite sex that benefit the evolution of the species. its the normally natural nature of female that attracts the "normal" male. now, what if a male is born more feminine? i have seen males that are much more feminine than some females by nature. the natural way he carries himself, reacts to emotion and especially gestures can be more feminine than a female. ive seen women who are more masculine than some men. i know people who have no sexuality at all, this person is a girl almost only by the physical sexual parts...
what happened is man attached love to sex. or loved evolved to be connected to sex. sex is for procreating and thats it, nothing more. some how love became attached to sex so that in a "normal" society that certain kind of "love relationship" was denoted for opposite sexes only. in normal society it was taboo to fall in love with someone with characteristics that attracted you if they were your same sex. the homosexuality im generalizing is relationship love of the same sex (im not touching on the actual physical intercourse). so without this hetero- homo programming a person could meet someone with all the characteristcs that they are naturally attracted to and fall in love with them no matter what the sex of the two are. (this probably goes with age too) (i just realized that strong sexual prefrerence could be hardwired in animals also, meaning that homophobia and stuff could be a naturaly inherent trait of a less or more evolved species. this could be an evolution plus)
another rather dismal theory... love may be "wrong." there is no doubt that love is the most powerful feeling a human can have. love can override our instinct of survival. this had to evolve into our species over time and it definitley helped in our evolution. but who says love is "right?" is our strong need to love and be loved beneficial to our species now that we are of a higher consciousness? love causes more problems and issues than good, but the good is the best you can have. most of the love i see is dysfunctional dependance or governed by unhealthy rules.
i always say about relationship love or marriage- when its good there is nothing better in this universe, but when it goes bad it can be the worse feeling a human can have. is this negative side a benefit to the species? what if love didnt evolve so deeply in us? what is a conscious animal without love? was it love that made us conscious?
i see love and relationships non-tradionally. ive even had to invent different kinds of love to fit certain relationships. love can be many things to many people and the "rules" of love in society make love very, very difficult by saying- "this is what love should be". these rules are not written anywhere (other than in some religions) but are all around us. i have gone above those rules and have a deeper understanding of what love is and how it feels to me. my love is not limited by any rules. my love gives me a freedom i have never had before. basically i am able to be "in love" with life so im not dependant on human companionship. sure i like human companionship and probably need it to some extent, but my happiness is not dependant on it. i can be happy without an intimate one-on-one love relationship. (in fact im the happiest ive ever been by far!!!) therefore my feelings and what i do is not depenadant on someone elses feelings or actions. but since i do have deep passion for life, i still have that human need to express love. my freedom and ability to be 100% honest to express my loves and passions openly and publicly may be my most prized attribute...
and no im not saying im gay or bisexual LOL
she's got a cause
double oh-oh, george clinton
may 20, 2001
though my marriage didnt last, i am very proud of having the experience. there are a lot of people who are dying to get married and never will be. from this union (not the marriage) came to beautiful children, something else a lot of people deeply desire to experience and can't or won't in there lives...
i am a firm believer in divorce, i have never seen a bad one. almost everybody in my family on both sides has got at least one under their belt. including my parents who's relationship improved afterwards. after a period of emotional & financial warfare and re-adjustment, i think most people's relationships are better off than being in a bad marriage. with kids or without. (kids dont need both parents living together, what helps in development is to have both parents intimately involved in their lives.) if two mentally healthy people are in a bad marriage and divorce, after the wounds heal and things settle down they will be better off. if one of them is not mentally or emotionally (or financially) able to stand alone then thats where problems will occur. this kinda mental and emotional (and financial) dependancy is not healthy even in a marriage that is intact...
may 17, 2001
man-o-man. i had to restrain myself. i saw more female body curves in the 10 minute walk on that campus than i have in months in santa monica. i love legs and hips and butts and these young girls had that and some even had height. (i love the tall ones). now dont get me wrong, all i want to do is look an appreciate. i have no desire to touch or even talk to this girls. i just love to look and enjoy and i did and i do...
since i like that booty boom in the back, the new style pants that flatter the hips and the tight mid-drift shirts that enhance the chest curves i absolutely love. i have been use to seeing this kinda shape defining dress on primarily white girls so when i saw it today on these ethnic mexican and black girls i gasped. compared to what i saw today white girls are walking pencils. before today i almost kinda sorta thought that wg's had body, lord did i forget where i came from. seemed like most of the girls were heavier, beefier, meatier and maybe technically overweight. i forgot how much i like that extra weight in the hips and legs. and its not that wg's are skinny, its a curves and shapes thing. i may never look at white girls the same way again... (well on the way home i did see a few wg cuties that i ...)